your voice.

tonight I'm struggling.

I'm just missing him.

in the most painful way.

tomorrow marks the one year marker of the last time i saw or spoke to my joe without tubes in his throat.

on July 4th,2011 at 5:38 am they put tubes down my joes throat to help him breathe and he never spoke again.

i never heard his voice again.

its been a year since I've heard his voice in person.

a whole year since i looked at his face and there weren't 90 tubes hanging out of it and he wasn't in a comatose state. 

yes, the last 4 days of his life he was waking up. but he wasn't awake.

he wasn't my joe.

he was sick.

he was dying.

and i had no idea.

if i would have known 1 year ago that it would be the last time i hear his voice i would have let him talk for hours.

i miss the sound of his voice.

i miss the glimmer of his eyes when he saw alexis.

i miss the wrinkles he got under his eyes when he smiled. 

i miss him.

and tonight it hurts.

for the first time in months it h u r t s .

i feel pain. 

and I'm welcoming it.

a lot of other nonsense is going down today.

is it because i am in so much pain i am freaking out on other people?

idk nor do i care. 

tonight i am sad.

i want to be sad.

i want to miss my joe.

he deserves to be missed.

i want to remember those days when he was awake and alert and talking to me.

yelling at me.

singing to me.

telling me jokes. 

the weeks ahead of me are going to be hard.

they are going to be long.

they are going to be full of tears and sadness. 

but i will survive.

i survived it the first time.

so why would this time be any different. 

a year? you haven't talked to me in a year?! for 2.5 years before this i didn't go a SINGLE day without hearing your voice and now its been a year. do you know what thats like? no because you can hear my voice whenever you want. its hard. its hard to go everyday without being able to talk to you about the idiots i work with. or the idiots I'm supposed to be "dating" baha. its hard to not vent to you about how crazy your daughter is or how broke i am. its hard not being able to get your opinion or just hear you tell me i look good in what i have on. i just want to talk to you. can you make that happen? tell me I'm being stupid. and tell me i need to stop crying. tell me to get up off the floor that my back is going to hurt tomorrow if i sleep here. tell me I've spent way too much money. tell me our daughter acts the way she does because i made her that way. tell me I'm perfect the way i am and any man would be LUCKY to have me. tell me i deserve the best. tell me I'm crazy. tell me I'm a mess. hell, tell me you hate me. just talk to me. let me hear your voice. tell me you miss me like i miss you and you will always love me.

please.