self respect.

reality is: 

i deserve better than i think i do.

well thought i did.

i have reached a new level of realization today.

since joe has passed, i have been desperate to find someone to make me feel the way he did.

i found someone who did make me so happy.

but that was based on lies and short lived.

he was nothing that he said he was.

he is really just an ass.

and i let him treat me like garbage for months now.

i have played the "he is worth it. we will make it work" card.

i dealt with months of lies

silence for weeks.

on and off again texts and phone calls.

and now..

i can proudly and officially say,

im D O N E 

i have been pushed too far.

i refuse to be "convenient" for anyone.

i am NO ones go to girl.

i will not be your temp while you find mrs right.

so i will be single and enjoy it.

I'm done looking.

i need to give it a rest.

id rather be alone and have my self respect than let someone treat me like I'm worth nothing.

i know I'm better than that.

and joe would not want me to settle for that.

on a different note,

next saturday is one whole year.

the next 2 weeks are going to be reallllllly hard for me.

they have already started being difficult.

i have my days where i LOSE my mind.

i have nights where the nightmares are more real than reality. 

i have moments where i miss him so much i can't breathe.

little things will send me back to that day.

and it hurts.

it breaks my heart every time.

everyone told me a year was a hard time and i was like yeah yeah

but it really is.

its a hard milestone.

he's gone.

and its been a year since he left me.

and I'm not okay with that.

so lets hope God gives me strength. 

cause if not, 

someone else is going to have to pick my ass up off the ground.

<3