bye bye fog. hello reality.

one year ago today this was me.

HUGELY pregnant and ready to be done. 

Joe and I were preparing for the BIGGEST step we would ever take as a couple and that was welcoming another human into our already existent life as 2. ( my birthday post to alexis will be next week. and you will hear all about that week. :) so excited i know.) 

this year has brought me so many trials and triumphs which i have already rambled about in 2 post prior to this so i won't do that again, but with my baby turning one in less than a week, I find myself spending my free time reflecting on my life in the last year.

i try to remember what it was like to not be a mom and i can't. which is a good thing. i wouldn't trade my daughter for the world and i love being her mom more than anything. but it just shows what a year can bring. 

which brings me to my grief. hello reality. 

i find myself at the "stage of grief" i assume you could call it, where I'm coming out of a fog and its very real. its very real that I'm alone. its very real that he's gone, and not coming back. its very real that his body is locked in a box and buried 10 feet under. how do i feel about that you ask? I'm not sure yet. I'm sad. but I'm more going through the, "how do i deal with this?" phase. like i haven't decided how i want to react to it yet. so instead I'm just distancing myself from everyone and thats not the smart thing to do.  which is why I'm glad i am noticing it now and can hopefully make it stop. 

i knew this day would come. and i assumed it would come around now with the holidays, alexis' birthday, and the 6 month marker coming up but it doesn't make it any easier or more desirable to go through. 

just more real.

its very real that i will never hold those tan hands in mine every again. i will never see his face light up when he sees alexis. i will never hear him say "i love you girlfriend" again. i will never see the smile when he won $2.00 on a scratch off lottery ticket. never get what i thought were annoying texts all day or Facebook posts or 5 am phone calls on his way to work when he was "lonely". now i am lonely and wish he was just a phone call away. i know he is with me. he will always be with me, but still. sometimes you just need a physical touch to remind you someone loves you. but i know he loves me. he will always love me & i will always love him.

missing you angel. wishing you were here to calm my nerves about this party I'm throwing your child. sending you all my love. ill be by to visit you on friday <3 xoxo.