what if..

...joe was still here?

this is something i think about on a daily basis. but tonight more than usual.

i think about what his current favorite song would be.
i think about if he would still be working at panera or not.
i think about what his relationship with alexis would be like.
i think about what his relationship with his parents would be like.
i think about what our relationship would be like.

common theme here? i think too much.
as i was laying down with my baby putting her to sleep, i was thinking about how different life would be if he was here. obviously this thought was brought on with MANY tears because i think of how wonderful my life would be. okay, so my life isn't TRAGIC right now. I have great friends, family, a job, a place to live, a healthy baby, money in savings, a support system thats out of this world. but i have an aching grief i carry around everyday. i find myself neglecting my grief a lot lately. i put it on the back burner until it gets too much, like tonight, and i get highly upset. i am seriously considering going to therapy again. i need to learn to sort through these days in a healthy way, if there is a healthy way. but anyway.  tonight I'm missing joe. and I'm thinking about my perfect life i would have with him by my side if life would have handed me different cards. I'm trying really hard to not play the what if game but seriously, what ifs and whys are the only thing i can process lately.

why me? why joe? why alexis? why now? what if we went to the dr sooner? what if we transferred him to university? what if i was more forceful with the drs? what if we had health insurance and he was going to the dr on a regular basis? what if what if what if why why why.

all part of a typical day for a widow.. such a sad life.

missing you my angel baby. <3 xoxo.