six months.

six whole months.
one half a year.
182 days.
4368 hours.
262,080 minutes.
15,724,800 seconds.

thats how long is has been since i have talked to the person i love the most.
thats how long its been since my world was complete and normal.
thats how long i have been dealing with this incredible pain.
thats how long i have been a single mom.
thats how long i have been without a best friend.
thats how long i have been searching for answers.
thats how long people have been looking at me like I'm crazy, or going to loose it at any moment.

its been a long time if your not getting that.
there are no words for how i feel today, or any other day for that matter.
i was expecting today to hit me really hard and break me.
but today is just another day.
another day of grief.
another day that he isn't here.
another day I've called his phone and he didn't answer.
another day i woke up alone.
another freaking day.

I've realized and accepted he's gone, but the numbness is coming back. i don't want the numbness to come back. i want to cry. i want to be upset. i want to feel like i can't breathe. it makes it all a little more real. yesterday i could feel it, today i cannot. maybe thats my bodies natural defense to this awful day, or maybe its a new stage of grief. I'm not sure. nothing about this journey makes any sense. i wish i could figure it out but i can't. so if anyone figures it out, please let me know how to expect whats coming next.

joe-
its been 6 months without you. saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing i will ever have to do. but the only peace i have is knowing you are content where you are. you have no more anxiety and no more pain. you have no more worries, or no more days of work. you can be with your girls 24 hours a day if you want. you can play video games whenever you want without getting into trouble. you can eat pizza and relax. you can see your mom and take care of our kitten jack jack. you don't have to impress anyone or make anyone proud. you can just be you and i know your content. i know you would wish to be here with me and alexis if you could but this is how it is now. so what have you missed in 6 months? your daughter started crawling. your daughter said daddy for the first time. your daughter started walking. your daughter had her first christmas. your daughter had her first new year. your daughter had her first birthday. your daughter started daycare. your baby changes everyday. she's JUST like you in so many ways. she LOVES music, you've missed some good music too by the way. she loves to dance, she loves to look at herself in the mirror. she's all you dear. and there is nothing i would do to change that. she now will say daddy when she sees your picture. and I'm pretty sure she thinks you live inside my computer because thats where we see you and hear your voice. with me? you've missed a lot of tears. you've missed several different shades of hair color. I've lost 20 lbs. I've bought a whole new wardrobe. I'm buying a new car. I've spent so much money you would shoot me. i smile a lot less. i cry a lot more. i spend a lot of time in thought. i have become awesome friends with your boys. your family and i have bonded like i always wanted. I've transferred schools. i got a new job, twice. not that much with me. I've missed you everyday of the last 6 months with every fiber of my being. i didn't know feelings like this existed. i didn't know you could be SO sad and SO empty without another human. but I'm surviving. and i know that is because you are right here by my side holding me up through everyday. please never leave me. if i could give anything in this world to have you back i would do it in a heart beat. know that i will love you forever and that i miss you every second of the day. I'm still not used to you being gone. i go to call you on a regular basis and it just rings. i go to pull into the apt complex out of habit. i have tried to check the bank several times and that acct is no longer there. every time i pass panera, i look for your car, only to realize i am driving your car and you are not there. i can't drive past the hospital without being FLOODED with memories, hope, and sorrow. i haven't been inside that place since i walked out without you and just your stuff. and i honestly don't plan on going inside it ever again. i miss you so much it hurts. i hope you are enjoying your time wherever you are. its cold, lonely, and not the same here without you. ill be seeing you again my love.
<3 i love you with all my heart.
xoxo.