fading..

my memories that is. they have been fading. and its the hardest thing I've ever experienced. during the day i am reaching for straws to remember the EXACT way his face looked or the EXACT way his voice sounded or the EXACT feel of his skin or his hair. and its fading. I can see his face like he's standing in front of me. but its like I'm looking through a camera lens. its blurry and i have to focus hard core on it. and i hate it. i hate having to focus on the image that i looked at every day. the image that was my whole world. i have to focus on remembering it.

but then their are my dreams.

lately i have had some CRAZY girl dreams. in my dreams, which are as real as day, he is right there. in clarity. no blurry needing to focus camera lens. he's right there. and i can touch him and he's talking to me and he's alive. and in every dream he asks me if i want to be with him still and if i believe he's still here. i don't know the purpose in those questions but they are the only thing consistent.

in one dream we were on the beach and he asked me if i still loved him and if i wanted to be with him forever and if i believed this was real.

in the next he was wearing the exact outfit he was wearing at his funeral and he told me how much he loved me and asked me to marry him and spend my life with him. i of course said yes and then he asked me if i thought it was real, if i could really imagine this life together. again i said yes. but in reality its not real. he's not here and he's not coming back.

so i spent the majority of the last couple mornings, crying like a little girl. wishing i could just go back to sleep and be with him one more time. see his face in clarity one more time. hear him say "i love you baby girl" clear as day. feel his smooth fingers run along my jaw line.

i ache for my man tonight. and last night and this morning. and yesterday morning. and every day and ever night. i ache for him.

someone please take the aching away.

<3 i love you angel love. and i will always love you. so you can stop asking me every night cause i promise i will love you everyday for the rest of forever plus one. ;) xoxox handsome.