numbness

numbness is a strange thing.

right after joe passed, i instantly became numb.

i think its just the bodes natural defense to such serious pain.

and i stayed that way.

for a while. 

months maybe?

then one day, the pain hit me like a wall.

and i was forced to face it.

my heart broke in the literal sense 

and it was the most intense thing I've ever went through.

but in a way it was comforting. 

feeling pain like that meant what i was experiencing was real. it validated it all.

and the numbness just makes me feel insane.

like i know i should be crying but I'm just sitting here. staring at this screen.

 listening to his voice and just feeling empty. 

i understand it is your body's job or something to defend itself. 

to protect you at all costs.

but really? shutting you down from the world is just not fair.

talking to one of my widow girls tonight 

she put it as joes way of protecting me.

and that helps me not hate the numbness so much.

but it still makes me feel like the shell of a human.

yes. the next 2 months are going to be so hard. 

and i am dreading every minute of it.

the memories have started to come alive again.

my last days with him outside of  the ICU.

my last days with him awake.

the day i found out he probably wasn't going to wake up.

the day he defied the odds and did way up.

the day he held my hand again after 17 days of comatose.

the look in his eyes when he realized i was by his side. 

the way my heart dropped the day his mom called me at work after i spent an incredible 2 hrs with him.

the way i felt when 3 doctors looked me in the eyes and told me his fight was over.

the way it felt to lay my head in the lap of a body that i knew my joe was no longer apart of.

the moment his heart stopped beating.

walking out of the hospital alone.

dressing him in his nicest black on black and him looking mighty fine.

saying goodbye for the last time.

covering him in the blanket that was made especially for him that he never got to see.

closing the lid to the box that held my everything. 

my memories are vivid. 

my pain is dull.

i feel nothing.

no happiness. mild sadness. high anxiety. 

id give anything to feel something to make sure this is all real.

but then again nothing makes it more real than when i wake up alone. 

to no text message.

no phone call.

no dirty clothes on the floor or a wet towel on my bed.

no half drank mountain dew bottle on the night stand.

no deodorant lid on the sink 

and no faint smell of mens curve lingering in my house.

all of that makes it really real.

and its a pain in the ass to not be able to react appropriately to that. 

baby, i miss you so much. so if my girls are right and you really are just trying to protect me with this numbness nonsense. remove the shield and stop being over protective. i want to miss you. i want to feel it in real time. so stop protecting me from myself. from you. i want to feel you. i want to remember you. i want to hurt for you. i want to cry. i want to SCREAM at you. i just want to feel something. id love to laugh about our memories. or cry. or both. or something. i just want to feel something. i miss you. on a real level. and i want to feel that. i deserve to at least feel my pain. if i have to have it i deserve to feel it. so give it back to me. stop taking everything away. your not too far away for me to get pissed. and i will. so either help me. or give me my grief and my pain back. or just give me you back. id be okay with that too. i miss you. alexis deserves to know you. she misses you. i miss you. we need you. tonight is rough. and i just wish you were here. she's such a challenge and i want you to deal with it not me. :( i hope your having fun. and watching over me. i miss you baby. ill be by to visit you this week <3 xoxoxo. be good. i love you angel boy.