im missing you so much. i miss the way you checked the bank everyday and would tell me to STOP spending money. or the way you would tell me when i asked if i should cut my hair or leave it long or dye it or not dye it you would say," babe you will look gorgeous no matter what you do to it" the way you would surprise me with a panera dr pepper cause you know its my favorite. or the way you would put your hand on my leg when i was driving or even when you were driving. how if i wanted something bad enough you would MAKE it fit into the budget. how when i layed with you you would rub my back and every time i left you i smelled just like you. i love that smell. i love you. & i miss you. the fireworks are coming up and they remind me directly of you. you LOVE the labor day fireworks. and i will not be attending alone. i miss your handsome face, and the way you raised your eyebrows at me and grinned. the way you would always tell alexis to say dada and not mama. LAME. haha. if you havent caught my drift, i miss you baby. more and more everyday. i hope you like it in heaven, but remember your home will always be here with me. & you better be waiting for me. heaven girlfriends WILL make me jealous. i love you boo. always. forever & ever babe.
i went to a grief group last night with kathy. it was interesting. i was the youngest person, with the most recent loss. there are people who lost their family member 10+ years ago and still sob like a baby when its brought up, that isnt helpful. or promising. or making me feel any better. i cant be like this in 10 years. i wont make it. but i look forward to going again. i am thinking about getting a tattoo this weekend, we will see!
tomorrow i start my music challenge and i am excited to remember my man in a way he would love.
baby, i love you. you better be watching over me.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
one whole month?!
This day one month ago is a day that haunts me everyday. the day i put the man i love in the ground. How do i feel about that? people have been asking me that all day/month. answer: It sucks. Its been one month since i saw his face. one month since i have touched his body, even though it was ice cold it was still his body. one month since my world stopped spinning. how have i made it this far? honestly i dont know. the pain is overwhelming. the sadness is unlike anything i have ever felt. the emptiness well it sucks. not having my other half is excruciating. I never realized how much i relied on him everyday for simple stuff. like when people at work are annoying me, id call him and just vent and he would say "babe dont worry about them, they are stupid." and yes i know anyone can say that but no one can say it like my joe. blah. i just wish this wasnt happening. this wasnt supposed to happen. its not supposed to be like this. he promised me forever & i want it. he told me id never be alone. forever & ever. that was his promise. and now, well. yeah. blah. life sucks.
missing you is an understatement.
missing you is an understatement.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
tired
im tired of being sad. im tired of living without the person i love. im tired of feeling like this. im tired of talking to the sky instead of talking to his handsome face. im tired of the aching inside of me. im tired of being a single mom. im tired of people looking at me like im a nut or a bomb waiting to explode.
basically im just tired of it all. i want to go back to june 18th and stay there forever, the last day i was not in a hospital room but i was sitting in our apt with the man i love celebrating his first, and only, fathers day.
this just isnt right. screw you universe.
basically im just tired of it all. i want to go back to june 18th and stay there forever, the last day i was not in a hospital room but i was sitting in our apt with the man i love celebrating his first, and only, fathers day.
this just isnt right. screw you universe.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
inside my head
the inside of my head is insanity. all day all i can do is play the same days over and over again. I play the day we went on our first date, the day he asked me OFFICIALLY to be his girlfriend, the day he told me he loved me for the first time, the day he gave me my first piece of jewlery, the day we moved in together, the nights we just layed together and cuddled, the day we found out we were pregnant, the day he felt her kick for the first time, the days he gave the best foot rubs in the world,the day she was born, the minute he first held her, the day we came home, the days we spent just cuddled on the couch as a family, my first mothers day, his first fathers day, alexis's first trip to the aquarium, our first post baby date, then the day he got sick, the day he went into the coma, the day he woke up, the first time i saw the words i love you in over a month, the first time he squeezed my hand back, then of course the nightmare of the day he died. UGH. i miss him so much. everything about him. stuff like this shouldnt happen. it should be illegal. because the pain inside of me, is killing me. i want what is in my head to be real so badly its not even funny. where is my prince charming when i need him. my voice of reason. my best friend. he is the only thing that can bring me back to earth and he isnt even on earth anymore.
i miss you babyboo.
on another note, starting sept 1st i am going to pick a different song EVERY day and connect it to a memory I have of joe. For those who know Joe, you know that music was such a huge part of his life and he passed that on to me and i want to pass it on to alexis and I think a good way to remember him and try to focus on the positive is for me to make myself a joe playlist. so choose to read and listen or not, this isnt really for anyone but me and my man :) love you angel.
i miss you babyboo.
on another note, starting sept 1st i am going to pick a different song EVERY day and connect it to a memory I have of joe. For those who know Joe, you know that music was such a huge part of his life and he passed that on to me and i want to pass it on to alexis and I think a good way to remember him and try to focus on the positive is for me to make myself a joe playlist. so choose to read and listen or not, this isnt really for anyone but me and my man :) love you angel.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
the day that plays over and over again in my head.
Lets hope I can get through this.
Thursday July 21st started like any normal day..well normal for the last month. Got up, got a good report from the nurse, went to work. Found out I was able to take a 2 hr lunch break instead of 1 and I was pumped! I got to go spend 2 hours with my love in the middle of the day! The morning sped past and finally it was noon. I darted out of work and to the hospital. I got there and Joe was awake. He was looking good, his numbers were strong. He had a slight fever and was sweating a little but the nurse said it wasnt something they were concerned about and Joe was a natural sweater. We had an amazing visit. I had ordered a blanket made especially for him and we had been talking about it all week. It had finally came in and I told him and he smiled. I planned to go home after work and pick it up and bring it to him. We watched a video of our princess crawling all over and he smiled again. He held my hand and actually squeezed it so hard that it hurt. He was moving his legs and mouthing words. He was telling me he wanted to go home and I said "dont worry baby were going home soon" and he smiled. He told me he loved me several times and when i would say it back he would just smile. He gave me the eyebrow raise which was something only we did to each other. I dont know where it came from but it was our thing. Then it was time for me to leave :( So I told him to take a nap and I would be back! He of course said no but I think he listened to me anyway. This is 1:15pm when I leave. I go back to work GLOWING. I was so happy that my world was coming back together.
3:30 comes around. I get this phone call at work. Its Joes mom. She tells me something is wrong and I need to get to the hospital right away. So of course my work puts up a mini issue with this and finally by about 3:50 I get outta there. I am to the hospital by about 4:10pm. I get there and Joes dad who had been with him that afternoon says he had an episode and they didnt know what effect it would have. He started to get restless this afternoon and couldnt get his breathing rate down. He was breathing about 60 breaths a minute, which is way too many. This caused him to turn a slight shade of purple and his heart rate went up to 200. His o2 percent was droppping and his temp was sitting at about 105.5. He couldnt get any of it down. They put him back under sedation and paralyzed him again and turned the respirator up all the way. The temp was just not coming down and his heart rate was having a hard time slowing. He was having a hard time keeping his body oxygenated even with the machine doing all the work. I couldnt stop crying. I was not ready to loose him and I was not settling for that answer. So, we met with the drs and they told us his chances were not good. He was not making enough improvement and staying at those improvement levels to be considered stable and he was going backwards. They didnt think he would ever live off of a vent or out of assisted living. This is not something Joe would have wanted. It would have killed him to be like that. They couldnt guarentee that he would live on the machine through the night, and if he did they couldnt promise his brain wouldnt be damaged from this episode. This is about 5:30pm. They left us alone( me his parents and his brother & his wife and his sister) and we had to make a decision. I dont remember much of the conversation except tears. Somehow the decision was made to turn the vent off and let joe go naturally. I didnt, and still dont, know how I was going to live without him and didnt know how to say goodbye. So we all went in individually to say our goodbyes. I went in and he was already starting to turn a shade of blue and he looked miserable. That wasnt my Joe anymore. The nurses had gotten really close to us on this journey and one of my fav nurses was in there and she just held me while I cried. Then it was just me and the body of the man I love. I talked to him, told him he absolutely had to be around for every minute of mine and alexis's life and he needed to let me know that this was what was best and he was in a better place. His heart rate slowed just a little, and it hadnt since the episode, this was him telling me he was at peace and he was going to be okay I just know it. The family came back in and we sat with Joe for hours. We never left his side. 10:00pm came and it was time to start the process. By this point, the Joe I knew and loved I strongly believe was watching from up above. He was gone. His skin was blue and he was freezing while his temp was in the upper 101 area. He was completely unresponsive when the nurse suctioned his mouth. At this point I am sobbing and have somehow ended up in his lap on the bed. I just wanted to get right next to him and pretend this wasnt happening. She turned the machine off around 10:29 and his heart stopped beating around 10:32. The sound that I remember so well from laying on his chest, the sound that made my life complete was gone and so was the love of my life. I really couldnt accept it. A doctor came in and pronounced him dead and those words were enough to kill me too. My baby was gone. The only person Ive ever loved, my best friend, my other half was no longer on the same planet as me.
The rest of the night, all i remember is tears. lots and lots of tears. I will never be the same.
Thursday July 21st started like any normal day..well normal for the last month. Got up, got a good report from the nurse, went to work. Found out I was able to take a 2 hr lunch break instead of 1 and I was pumped! I got to go spend 2 hours with my love in the middle of the day! The morning sped past and finally it was noon. I darted out of work and to the hospital. I got there and Joe was awake. He was looking good, his numbers were strong. He had a slight fever and was sweating a little but the nurse said it wasnt something they were concerned about and Joe was a natural sweater. We had an amazing visit. I had ordered a blanket made especially for him and we had been talking about it all week. It had finally came in and I told him and he smiled. I planned to go home after work and pick it up and bring it to him. We watched a video of our princess crawling all over and he smiled again. He held my hand and actually squeezed it so hard that it hurt. He was moving his legs and mouthing words. He was telling me he wanted to go home and I said "dont worry baby were going home soon" and he smiled. He told me he loved me several times and when i would say it back he would just smile. He gave me the eyebrow raise which was something only we did to each other. I dont know where it came from but it was our thing. Then it was time for me to leave :( So I told him to take a nap and I would be back! He of course said no but I think he listened to me anyway. This is 1:15pm when I leave. I go back to work GLOWING. I was so happy that my world was coming back together.
3:30 comes around. I get this phone call at work. Its Joes mom. She tells me something is wrong and I need to get to the hospital right away. So of course my work puts up a mini issue with this and finally by about 3:50 I get outta there. I am to the hospital by about 4:10pm. I get there and Joes dad who had been with him that afternoon says he had an episode and they didnt know what effect it would have. He started to get restless this afternoon and couldnt get his breathing rate down. He was breathing about 60 breaths a minute, which is way too many. This caused him to turn a slight shade of purple and his heart rate went up to 200. His o2 percent was droppping and his temp was sitting at about 105.5. He couldnt get any of it down. They put him back under sedation and paralyzed him again and turned the respirator up all the way. The temp was just not coming down and his heart rate was having a hard time slowing. He was having a hard time keeping his body oxygenated even with the machine doing all the work. I couldnt stop crying. I was not ready to loose him and I was not settling for that answer. So, we met with the drs and they told us his chances were not good. He was not making enough improvement and staying at those improvement levels to be considered stable and he was going backwards. They didnt think he would ever live off of a vent or out of assisted living. This is not something Joe would have wanted. It would have killed him to be like that. They couldnt guarentee that he would live on the machine through the night, and if he did they couldnt promise his brain wouldnt be damaged from this episode. This is about 5:30pm. They left us alone( me his parents and his brother & his wife and his sister) and we had to make a decision. I dont remember much of the conversation except tears. Somehow the decision was made to turn the vent off and let joe go naturally. I didnt, and still dont, know how I was going to live without him and didnt know how to say goodbye. So we all went in individually to say our goodbyes. I went in and he was already starting to turn a shade of blue and he looked miserable. That wasnt my Joe anymore. The nurses had gotten really close to us on this journey and one of my fav nurses was in there and she just held me while I cried. Then it was just me and the body of the man I love. I talked to him, told him he absolutely had to be around for every minute of mine and alexis's life and he needed to let me know that this was what was best and he was in a better place. His heart rate slowed just a little, and it hadnt since the episode, this was him telling me he was at peace and he was going to be okay I just know it. The family came back in and we sat with Joe for hours. We never left his side. 10:00pm came and it was time to start the process. By this point, the Joe I knew and loved I strongly believe was watching from up above. He was gone. His skin was blue and he was freezing while his temp was in the upper 101 area. He was completely unresponsive when the nurse suctioned his mouth. At this point I am sobbing and have somehow ended up in his lap on the bed. I just wanted to get right next to him and pretend this wasnt happening. She turned the machine off around 10:29 and his heart stopped beating around 10:32. The sound that I remember so well from laying on his chest, the sound that made my life complete was gone and so was the love of my life. I really couldnt accept it. A doctor came in and pronounced him dead and those words were enough to kill me too. My baby was gone. The only person Ive ever loved, my best friend, my other half was no longer on the same planet as me.
The rest of the night, all i remember is tears. lots and lots of tears. I will never be the same.
Monday, August 22, 2011
the week leading up.
Friday August 15th, Joe came outta his rotation bed and into a normal bed and things started to look up. That afternoon he started to wake up. It was incredible. The first time he opened his eyes I was sitting next to him and it honestly scared me. I didnt know he was allowed to wake up yet but it was so incredible to see those big brown eyes. He moved his head and his legs which was a huge step. He mouthed the words I love you to me and his mom which were hard to see since he had a tube but we saw them. Saturday came around and things still looked awesome. His numbers were climbing in the direction we needed and he was more alert. He squeezed my hand and that was a huge step for us. I told him to sleep and he shook his head no at me. I told him I was going to leave and he got the saddest look on his face and he started to cry. :( it was so hard to see, but I was so happy he was making progress. Sunday was not as good of a day. He had a slight fever and was a little restless. His respirator was up that day and he was having a little bit of a hard time breathing on is own. The nurse said that was normal with him coming out of the sedation.
The next couple days seem like a blur to me. He was making big steps! His numbers were looking awesome and he was making huge physical improvements. One day he reached for my cell phone when I told him he needed to teach me how to use it, he mouthed he loved me over and over again. Tuesday he had surgery and had a trache put in his throat which was a HUGE step. A. It meant he was strong enough for surgery, B. it meant he was producing enough pressure to inflate his lungs on his own. Surgery went awesome, things were looking great. He was awake that day still alert and responding to commands. Wednesday he voluntarily moved his hand to touch me which was the first time he had moved without being asked. That day he was also all about moving his arms and legs without being asked. I think he was trying to show us he was strong enough and he wanted to go home. haha.
Then Thursday came. the day that knocked my world off its axis.
The next couple days seem like a blur to me. He was making big steps! His numbers were looking awesome and he was making huge physical improvements. One day he reached for my cell phone when I told him he needed to teach me how to use it, he mouthed he loved me over and over again. Tuesday he had surgery and had a trache put in his throat which was a HUGE step. A. It meant he was strong enough for surgery, B. it meant he was producing enough pressure to inflate his lungs on his own. Surgery went awesome, things were looking great. He was awake that day still alert and responding to commands. Wednesday he voluntarily moved his hand to touch me which was the first time he had moved without being asked. That day he was also all about moving his arms and legs without being asked. I think he was trying to show us he was strong enough and he wanted to go home. haha.
Then Thursday came. the day that knocked my world off its axis.
Friday, August 19, 2011
our story part 3
Joe Alexis and I were making it work. We were both working full time which sucked but we were still finding time for each other and our princess. Not as much time as we wanted to spend together but we made it work, the bills still had to be payed. April 9th we celebrated our anniversary and our little munchkins 3 month birthday. We went to the aquarium and dinner. It was the perfect day, it poured down rain but it was so nice. I got a bracelet and a ring with and "A" engraved for Alexis on it. I had wanted it for so long. I got another present too, but it was on back order so I didnt get it that day. Alexis got an adorable photo frame with our pictures in it that still hangs in her room to this day.
I would say the end of April Joe started to get sick, he would say it was allergies and didnt think much of it. Well, the allergies were not going away, there were just getting worse. I pestered him to go to the dr but he was so against it. He finally went in the beginning of June and they said it was his asthma kicked up due to the weather. Gave him some meds and sent him on his way.We went to dinner for fathers day on June 18th. We went kinda early like 4 ish and Joe was so sick that day. He was winded just walking from the car to the door and was coughing like there was no tomorrow. I got a call around 10:30 pm after I had been talking to and texting Joe all night while we were at the festival in our town from him saying his roomate was taking him to the ER he couldnt do it anymore. I didnt think anything of it, I figured he would get the meds he needed and be on his way. Well, they told him he had pneumonia and would be in there for a couple days. No big deal. His o2 percentage was in the 70-80s and it needs to be above 90. Anything below is life threatening. They started treating him and they hoped he would heal on his own.
Everyday he told me to not worry about coming up to the hospital because he was leaving soon and he didnt want A there. So we only went to visit a couple times because he swore he was coming home to us so soon. He began to get frustrated and depressed that he was still there. On July 3rd they said he would most likely need to go under for a respirator if his o2 levels dropped lower than 80 again. He would be sedated for 2-10 days while his lungs healed. July 4th at 5:30 am I got a text from him saying he was going under for the tubes. He was so worried about having a feeding tube haha, nothing else. The last message I got from him that morning said, " They are getting ready to start. I will talk to you asap. I love you both so much." broke my heart that I didnt get to talk to him since it was so early and I wasnt awake yet. :( He was out for a week before I heard any news. I then got a call from his mom saying we needed to talk. She explained to me he was now in ICU he was in a coma and they didnt know if he was going to make it. He had developed something called ARDS ( Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome) and it was a fatal condition. They were going to put him on a bed that roatated every 15 min to try and move the fluid and have gravity work naturally. He went into this bed on the 11th of July. We were fighting the clock because he could only be on the respirator for 14 days before it had to come out.
The first few days on the bed were unsuccessful. That Wednesday was the first time they let me see him since he went into that bed. It was so hard to see the person I loved more than myself in that condition. I sobbed into his mom and his sister like it was the end of the world. Once I stopped crying I looked at him, he was still unconscious, and I told him this had to end. I was done with him being sick and it was no longer funny. He needed to wake up because I needed him. and I needed him NOW. We had been a week and a half with no improvement and that was unacceptable to me. The next day his number had improved and he was making a turn. Friday he had an eval with the dr. He decided in the past 2 days Joe had made enough improvement to come off that bed and be put in a normal bed which was a huge step! YAY. We were moving in the right direction, he had heard my voice and knew it was time to get better. They also were going to start waking him from his coma to see how he responded. We were making progress and I was glowing..
I would say the end of April Joe started to get sick, he would say it was allergies and didnt think much of it. Well, the allergies were not going away, there were just getting worse. I pestered him to go to the dr but he was so against it. He finally went in the beginning of June and they said it was his asthma kicked up due to the weather. Gave him some meds and sent him on his way.We went to dinner for fathers day on June 18th. We went kinda early like 4 ish and Joe was so sick that day. He was winded just walking from the car to the door and was coughing like there was no tomorrow. I got a call around 10:30 pm after I had been talking to and texting Joe all night while we were at the festival in our town from him saying his roomate was taking him to the ER he couldnt do it anymore. I didnt think anything of it, I figured he would get the meds he needed and be on his way. Well, they told him he had pneumonia and would be in there for a couple days. No big deal. His o2 percentage was in the 70-80s and it needs to be above 90. Anything below is life threatening. They started treating him and they hoped he would heal on his own.
Everyday he told me to not worry about coming up to the hospital because he was leaving soon and he didnt want A there. So we only went to visit a couple times because he swore he was coming home to us so soon. He began to get frustrated and depressed that he was still there. On July 3rd they said he would most likely need to go under for a respirator if his o2 levels dropped lower than 80 again. He would be sedated for 2-10 days while his lungs healed. July 4th at 5:30 am I got a text from him saying he was going under for the tubes. He was so worried about having a feeding tube haha, nothing else. The last message I got from him that morning said, " They are getting ready to start. I will talk to you asap. I love you both so much." broke my heart that I didnt get to talk to him since it was so early and I wasnt awake yet. :( He was out for a week before I heard any news. I then got a call from his mom saying we needed to talk. She explained to me he was now in ICU he was in a coma and they didnt know if he was going to make it. He had developed something called ARDS ( Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome) and it was a fatal condition. They were going to put him on a bed that roatated every 15 min to try and move the fluid and have gravity work naturally. He went into this bed on the 11th of July. We were fighting the clock because he could only be on the respirator for 14 days before it had to come out.
The first few days on the bed were unsuccessful. That Wednesday was the first time they let me see him since he went into that bed. It was so hard to see the person I loved more than myself in that condition. I sobbed into his mom and his sister like it was the end of the world. Once I stopped crying I looked at him, he was still unconscious, and I told him this had to end. I was done with him being sick and it was no longer funny. He needed to wake up because I needed him. and I needed him NOW. We had been a week and a half with no improvement and that was unacceptable to me. The next day his number had improved and he was making a turn. Friday he had an eval with the dr. He decided in the past 2 days Joe had made enough improvement to come off that bed and be put in a normal bed which was a huge step! YAY. We were moving in the right direction, he had heard my voice and knew it was time to get better. They also were going to start waking him from his coma to see how he responded. We were making progress and I was glowing..
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