just plain missing him.

i can't do it anymore.

im tired of the emptiness.

usually when something becomes empty, it becomes lighter. 

but not me. not this time. 

i have become so heavy.

emotionally.

i can't even bear it.

i feel like i carry 9000000 lbs on my shoulders.

I'm just done. 

emotionally worn out.

easily put?

i miss him.

i just want to go back to this day one year ago.

i can't say that for much longer.

and that scares me.

its almost been 365 days since I've seen that handsome face.

its exhausting being alone.

being a young 'widowed' mom is horribly exhausting.

along with some other shit i have going on.

i am d.o.n.e.

i NEED my vacation now.

and its like 2 months away. 

yikessss.

will i make it?

yeah.

cause this is like my cruel torture. 

everyday, no matter how hard the day is, i wake up and i live through the day. 

me and the pain, we just keep on going.

its like a sick joke. 

but i deal.

its like part of me.

i think if it went away id feel naked.

not that id mind at this point.

its my new "normal" that everyone talks about.

i HATE it.

my other normal was JUST fine.

but oh well right? 

i WILL live. 

babyyyyyboo. i LOVE you. if only i had words for how much i miss you. i wish i could tell you that i appreciate you. we were not perfect. hell we were FAR from perfect. but we made it work. we were us. and we were making things work. i didn't know i could miss someone like i miss you. you changed my life and life will never be the same without you. everyday i look at your daughter and i smile but then i tear up a little. she deserves to know you. she deserves to hear her daddy tell her he loves her. i can hear you saying it now. blah. its been such a long time since I've touched your face. or heard your voice. i just want things to be back to normal. i hope you know i still love you. i may be making a horribly awful attempt at finding a new man, which is proving to be quite the trip, but i will always love you. and i will always miss you. i hope your having fun up there and being a good boy. say hi to your mama for me. and give my jack jack my love. never leave my side boo <3 i love you so much joe carter.  you will forever be mine and me yours. xoxoxo.