so in january i made a "to do list" of things i wanted to do this year.
so i want to go through it now since we are about half way through the year already (YIKES)
and see where I'm at.
1. be less afraid. being afraid has caused me to miss out on so much in the last 5 months. its going to happen if I'm afraid or not, so be less afraid.--still working on this one.
2. make it 2 whole days without crying. i know its not something i can control. but I'm hoping through these other goals i can make it to that point.--i can say this has happened!
3. let myself be happy. let myself enjoy the sun. and life with alexis. i have spent so much time lately being sad and not wanting to be happy because it felt 'wrong' but you want me to be happy.--i will say i have felt happiness again. i never thought i could but i have.
4. remember the good times and not just the month of july.- I'm good at this too. i still remember the bad but i try to remember the good too.
5. feel your presence more. cause i know your with me everyday.--i fail. i have only felt you a couple times :(
6. spend more time in prayer. God is the only thing thats going to make this any easier.--sadly I'm bad about this too. :( MUST work on this.
7. spend more time at the cemetery. i want to make the time to be close to you because i know you make the time to be with me everyday.--this is a halfsie. i spend more time than i did there. but not enough time there by far.
8. make sure alexis knows all about you. were already working towards it and she does know you but with her getting older, over the next 12 months i want her to KNOW you. so i may need help from our friends and family on this one.--yes. we talk about you everyday!
9. spend less money. i have been spending so much money to try and fill the void in my chest that was left by you, but its not working and I'm broke. you would be so mad. lol ;)--NO and i HAVE to make this one happen.
10. change my relationship status on Facebook. although we will never be apart, its something we both know has to be done and i am hoping in 2012 i will have the strength to do so.--i did it. it almost killed me but i did it.
11. stop comparing everyone i meet to you. no one will ever be my joe, but there are people out there who are just as fantastic as you are and i never give them the credit they deserve.-- nope.
12. be closer with your family. we are already close, but i want to feel like part of the family. we will see.-- working on it.
13. be more open about my grief. i seem to keep it in a closet sometimes and pretend I'm okay when I'm not.-- ABSOLUTELY not. and i am SO mad about this. i have surprised it so far, sometimes i am unaware of it. not okay.
14. get my tattoo.--can gladly say that Feb 11th i took care of this. and i am IN LOVE with it.15. start my book. i WILL write a book and i want to get started on it now.--not yet :(
2. make it 2 whole days without crying. i know its not something i can control. but I'm hoping through these other goals i can make it to that point.--i can say this has happened!
3. let myself be happy. let myself enjoy the sun. and life with alexis. i have spent so much time lately being sad and not wanting to be happy because it felt 'wrong' but you want me to be happy.--i will say i have felt happiness again. i never thought i could but i have.
4. remember the good times and not just the month of july.- I'm good at this too. i still remember the bad but i try to remember the good too.
5. feel your presence more. cause i know your with me everyday.--i fail. i have only felt you a couple times :(
6. spend more time in prayer. God is the only thing thats going to make this any easier.--sadly I'm bad about this too. :( MUST work on this.
7. spend more time at the cemetery. i want to make the time to be close to you because i know you make the time to be with me everyday.--this is a halfsie. i spend more time than i did there. but not enough time there by far.
8. make sure alexis knows all about you. were already working towards it and she does know you but with her getting older, over the next 12 months i want her to KNOW you. so i may need help from our friends and family on this one.--yes. we talk about you everyday!
9. spend less money. i have been spending so much money to try and fill the void in my chest that was left by you, but its not working and I'm broke. you would be so mad. lol ;)--NO and i HAVE to make this one happen.
10. change my relationship status on Facebook. although we will never be apart, its something we both know has to be done and i am hoping in 2012 i will have the strength to do so.--i did it. it almost killed me but i did it.
11. stop comparing everyone i meet to you. no one will ever be my joe, but there are people out there who are just as fantastic as you are and i never give them the credit they deserve.-- nope.
12. be closer with your family. we are already close, but i want to feel like part of the family. we will see.-- working on it.
13. be more open about my grief. i seem to keep it in a closet sometimes and pretend I'm okay when I'm not.-- ABSOLUTELY not. and i am SO mad about this. i have surprised it so far, sometimes i am unaware of it. not okay.
14. get my tattoo.--can gladly say that Feb 11th i took care of this. and i am IN LOVE with it.15. start my book. i WILL write a book and i want to get started on it now.--not yet :(
16. help someone this may be the most important one. i want to give someone the help i received from Tameka, Ms Karen, Ms Kathy, and our family. my life wouldn't be where it is unless i had them and I want to give someone the help I received.-- not yet either on this one :(
17. spend more time one on one with alexis. she's getting too big too fast.--we spend time together everyday.
18. scrapbook. i want to finish our scrapbook and start alexis'-- i fail at this too. :(
19. blog more often. i am a horrible blogger and i need to be more consistent. i also need to blog about being happy and not just being sad.--im an avid blogger now :)
20. move out and stand on my own 2 feet.--working on it.
21. sell the car. this will be so hard, but its something we have talked about and it has to happen. the 2 door sports car isn't for a mommy anymore. :(--i did this in january. so sad. hardest thing I've ever done. but i LOVE my new car and i know joe would too.
17. spend more time one on one with alexis. she's getting too big too fast.--we spend time together everyday.
18. scrapbook. i want to finish our scrapbook and start alexis'-- i fail at this too. :(
19. blog more often. i am a horrible blogger and i need to be more consistent. i also need to blog about being happy and not just being sad.--im an avid blogger now :)
20. move out and stand on my own 2 feet.--working on it.
21. sell the car. this will be so hard, but its something we have talked about and it has to happen. the 2 door sports car isn't for a mommy anymore. :(--i did this in january. so sad. hardest thing I've ever done. but i LOVE my new car and i know joe would too.
so i have 8 of 21.
in 6 months. i have a lot of things to get to work on.
but 8 is better than 0.
yesterday was 11 months.
the final countdown is on.
29 days until its been 365 days since I've been next to my joe.
since I've seen those brown eyes open and alert.
a lot of 1 year markers are coming up
i spent the majority of the night re reading my updates when he was in the hospital and my previous blog posts.
that was hard.
it brings back a lot of emotion.
but makes me so glad i blog/write to him.
i can remember the pain. and see the roller coaster play out.
and one day alexis will be able to read it.
and know how i felt.
and how hard her daddy fought.
for her.
for us.
for him.
life is rough.
but it goes on.
differently.
but it continues.
one thing remains the same though.
i miss him.
i will always miss him.
and i can't believe its almost been a year without him.
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