one year/fathers day

happy fathers day.

today is a day i have been dreading for quite some time.

today has significant meaning to it. 

today is not only fathers day.

what should be Joes SECOND fathers day.

but it marks one year.

one year since we walked into the emergency room and didn't leave the hospital. 

the beginning of the end.

from this day on, all of my "this day one year ago" will involve a hospital or him being gone. 

idk if I'm ready for that.

i feel like the next 4 weeks are going to take me backwards. 

take me back to a place i don't want to be. i want things back to normal. 

i miss him. 

i miss feeling like a whole person.

i miss having a best friend.

I'm anxious.

im worried.

I'm sad.

im unsure.

i don't know how to react.

or how to handle the weeks that are coming.

one day at a time.

when that becomes too much,

one moment at a time.

embrace the tears.

embrace the smile.

embrace the sadness.

embrace the happiness.

just go with the moment i guess.

things changed this weekend.

some crazy stuff went down.

but i enjoyed every minute of it.

can't wait to see where my new paths are going to take me.

oh.

and i got my lip pierced.

spur of the moment choice.

and i LOVE it.

its so nice to be able to do something that people aren't going to expect and that is ALL about me.

some will judge.

some will say its "un motherly"

but guess what.

don't care. :)