blog overload.

i am on a blogger overload.

so be prepared to see a million blog posts for the next couple weeks. 

i am on an emotional ROLLER COASTER.

one minute I'm fine. and I'm embracing my new "normal"

I'm ready to start dating.

and I'm totally into the people I'm talking to.

and in the blink of an eye I'm taken back.

all it takes is a picture. or a song. or a memory.

and I'm back at the starting line.

i miss him.

and it is a burning aching pain id give ANYTHING in this world to make stop.

the feeling of true loss is an unbelievable feeling.

that you don't understand until you go through it.

and even then i still don't understand it.

I'm trying very very hard to put the pieces back together. 

trying to start a new life and keep my old life a part of it.

but its very difficult.

don't get me wrong.

i am ready to move forward.

i want to move forward more than anything.

i want to find a man who will love me and alexis in a way we deserve.

who will understand my situation to the best of his ability and accept me for it.

im a package deal; me alexis and our story.

there IS a man out there that can handle that.

and when i meet him.

hes mine.

but for tonight.

I'm going to post some pictures that have taken me to this place tonight.

this was the first picture we ever took together. he was PISSED that i would NOT stop taking his picture. but i loved it. this was one of the first times i could publicly call him mine. and it was an amazing feeling. we are so happy, so carefree, so young in this picture (may 2009)

we spent the day at the zoo this day. i had been DYING to go to the zoo. so i drug his ass there. and he LOVED it. this is the day he got his nick name baby tiger because of the baby tigers that he loved. we are both trying to keep ourselves from laughing. because this is in a string of like 90 pictures i took of us. haha. :) 

and i thought i loved him before this moment, then this happened. he held our baby for the very first time. i didn't know you could fall more in love with someone just for them loving someone else. no our relationship wasn't perfect at the time. we were struggling IMMENSELY but for one minute all was okay. all was perfect. you could see in his eyes he was 100% in love with her and our lives were changed forever.

the things id give to go back to these moments,

hell any moment.

:sigh:

miss you angel boy. no other words tonight. just that i miss you. more than i ever dreamed. 

xoxo.