wednesday is 8 months.
wow.
but heres the deal.
i think he would be rather proud of the woman I've become in the last 8 months.
I'm finally getting my act together.
yes, it took losing everything i ever knew to get my where i am now, but i lived and I'm kinda proud of myself.
at this point 8 months ago, my sweet joe was healing up nicely and we thought he was going to be a okay.
wrong.
this point 7 months ago? i was still laying in bed refusing to do anything with my life without him.
now, i never ever ever thought about suicide or hurting myself. but i laid in bed. a lot. i cried a lot. i enjoyed nothing. i had the thought process that if he didn't have to be here and do this, whelp neither did i. i missed a lot of time with my daughter. i missed a lot of the summer. i missed a lot. but in the end, i needed that. i needed that time to dedicate it to him. it made my loss real. it justified my pain. it made me the widow i am today.
but now, 8 months later I'm finally standing up. i am FAR from stable, but i am standing up.
i was offered the job of my dreams. at 2 different places.
i get to teach kindergarten prep from 7am-3pm so i actually will get to spend time with my kid and no more 9-9s.
i also get to sub and work an extended care program at a montessori school here in mason. which is incredible. such an opportunity.
i am finally to a point where i think i can let someone else in my life; the walls are starting to come down. :gasp:
i am making more money than i ever thought i could on my own, i have the schedule of my dreams. and most important i am doing what i love more than anything, educating children. watching them learn. its a great feeling.
I'm finally at a point where i want to help other people. i want to use my grief in a "positive" way. i want others to benefit from my story. i want people to know they are not alone and this is not the end of their life. it may feel like it but we as widows are capable of picking up the shattered pieces and sorting through them.
my pieces are FAR from sorted through. i still have EPIC meltdowns, frustration, questions, tears, sadness, emptiness, confusion, all the emotions i had on day 1 of widowhood. but the difference now is i know what those feelings are. and i know how to handle that. i know what i need to do to get myself through those moments. does that make them easier? no. does that make them more manageable? a little. it makes me feel as though I'm in more control of my grief and that is important to me.
i want to be defined by my love for joe, not my grief for joe. i don't want people to think of just sadness when they think about me and my relationship with joe. i want people to be like wow, thats an incredible love story.
my grief has many many many more years to go. joe will forever be apart of me. and i wouldn't want it any other way. i don't know what its like to be without him being apart of me, of who i am and i don't want to ever know that feeling. he may not be here with me now, but its the little things. like when I'm in the car, iPod on shuffle and one of his stupid remixes comes on. my friends look at me like I'm a nut and i say, it was his music and i smile. or when i say something that only he and i understood or would think was cute. people stare, i smile. its a great thing to have that connection with him still. cause i know he's out there somewhere smiling at me too. he's loving the attention i know it. ;) he deserves it.
so here is to a lot of new beginnings and carrying my past with me wherever i go.
joe carter, you will forever be apart of my person. you are my person. i hope you enjoyed your pattys day. i know you were having a green beer somewhere with someone. i know you were looking down on us like you always do. your a great man. you will always hold a very special key to my heart. we have had some serious discussions lately and i know your okay with and supporting all the decisions i am making lately. i promise i will do nothing short of making you proud for the rest of my life. i want you to be like "yep thats my wifey and mother of my child and she knows what she's doing." to all your angel friends, cause i still brag about you to my real friends. you may not have been perfect, but you are mine and that makes you perfect to me. i miss you more with every breath i take and the pain of not having you here is exhausting. i will never be the same without you, but I'm starting to define myself again and find a new me that hopefully you will love just as much. you've impacted my life more than you will ever know. and for that i am forever grateful. you'll always be my world. xoxo <3
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