let it go kayla.

where do i start?

okay. lets see.

im a mess.

ha.

thats an understatement. 

im struggling to find my sanity again.

i wanna be a normal 20 year old girl.

i wanna live a normal life.

and my life is so far from normal.

and i think pushing myself to find it is causing more harm than good.

so after a LONG talk with a GREAT friend today.

its time to stop.

i need to take a step back and let things fall into place.

the stress of trying to make things work all the time is exhausting.

nothing is ever going to be perfect all the time.

and its def not going to work if it is forced or rushed. 

so,

this is me, publicly (well at least to my bloggers) stating that,

I, Kayla, am going to stop being so consumed with trying to make everything work perfectly all the time.

i am going to let things fall into place and try to accept things for what they are.

now..how does this pertain to my grief you ask? 

well, grief is the most natural and unnatural thing in this world.

its unnatural for all the obvious reasons, like no one should ever ever ever feel the pain of losing the only person they ever felt they needed in this world. no one should ever feel lost and alone. no one should ever have to "grieve" over anything. 

but in the same way its natural.

its the body's natural way of reacting to a great loss. you cannot do ANYTHING at all to alter how you grieve. its going to happen "naturally" and its a needed process for people to go through to deal with their loss. this is something i have learned the hard way.

you have to let it happen.

you have to let time do its thing.

that doesn't work for me. i am SUCH a control FREAK that i want to be in control of my body and how i feel and react and I'm just not. this is one aspect of my life i cannot control. i have to let it "run its course" 

there are days i am so happy its unreal, and when i realize that I'm like this is so wrong, i should not be happy my life is falling apart. but i can't change it. 

and there are days that i cannot stop sobbing or pull myself out of the funk of just being sad. no matter how hard i want to.

and there are days that the anger makes me mad at just about everything and everyone. and i know its wrong but i can't stop it.

its an uncontrollable thing. its sick.

so, if grief has taught me anything thus far.

its that i need to learn to let go.

dont resist.

just let life happen.

cause no one is in total control all the time.

control what you can,

and let the rest go.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,And wisdom to know the difference.


heres to fighting the urge to be a crazy
and trying a new way of life.
you better be proud of me babe 
cause we both know this is not a life choice you would ever make or survive at.
my little control freak. :)
this is me, being strong for the both of us.
xoxoxo.