pneumonia, faith, and a book?

so my baby, my sweet little baby, has pneumonia.
pneumonia, the most awful infection that killed her daddy 7 short months ago.
can you say stress? cause i can.
today was lots of tears, lots of stress, and lots of phone calls.

i called my "mother-in-law" and cried like a baby. I'm so stressed. i never wanted to be in this position again and here i am. facing this awful thing again. now i know her sweet daddy is watching over her from way above and he is going to make sure God is taking care of her. but that doesn't take mommys stress away.
blahhhh.
God will heal. God will heal. God will heal.

so that brings me to my next topic: Faith.

after Joe passed, his parents took me to a church called Crossroads. I had been to church but wasn't into the whole "church"scene. so they convince me to go and i fell in love. it is church but with such a modern spin. so then i decided to attend their grief group with my incredible sister in law. i fell in love. with the people. with the atmosphere. with the concept. so here i am. i have been restored my faith. now, ill admit. i am NOT a bible beating crazy lady. I do not carry my bible everywhere i go and throw scripture at people all day. to be honest, i know little verses by heart. but i am working on it. i don't plan to be that girl either though. i have a strong faith, i know that and so does God. now, is it as strong as it should be? no. thats why I am wanting to get involved. I want to get involved with crossroads to better my faith. to be able to auto default into trusting God and relying on him to get me through. i will get there. stay tuned on how that goes over.

anddddd. my book.
I've mentioned that I'm going to write a book. well, i am.
I'm trying to figure out how to get started.
there are NOT very many people who go through what I have went through. and I want my story and my trials and triumphs to be able to aid someone in need some day. through the darkest days of my grief i search for books, for people, for anything to find someone or something to relate to me to make what i am going through a realistic thing. so, I'm going to give other people that resource. I'm going to write a book. a book about grief. about dealing with grief. about the help thats available. and I'm going to make myself available to others.
nowww,
i am BY NO MEANS, ANYWHERE close to being healed. i am NOT in a place where i can say i am 100%. i am MAYBE 40% most of the time. little things can and will set me over the edge, i spend many nights balled up in my bed crying so hard that it physically hurts, i spend many sunny days sitting at a cemetery crying because i just want him to touch me or say he loves me. i spend many many moments thinking of my life and how it should be and crying like i am an infant. i am still angry. i am still hurt. i still question God everyday. i miss him. i am human. and i am not healed. but i am wanting to help someone else. the way i have already been helped. so, my ms karen has encouraged it and I'm going to do it. so stay tuned for that.

thats all i have. today i am emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted.
i just want to cuddle up with my baby and my man and go to sleep.
but for tonight i will settle for his favorite hoodie and his blanket and my baby girl.

goodnight bloggers :)
<3

you have all my love joseph carter.
take care of me and our princess.
xoxo.