the human heart.

its an AMAZING thing the human heart is. 

its such a small organ in comparison to what it is responsible for.

the heart keeps your whole body functioning. 

it pumps close to 1900 GALLONS of blood EVERY day.

the average heart beats 100,000 times a day. 

the heart is an amazing thing.

not only is it responsible for these "physical" things like, oh idk, keeping you alive.

the human heart can handle a lot of emotional garbage. 

just when you think if one more thing goes wrong your heart is going to shatter and stop beating..

it never does. it keeps on...keeping on.

my own personal heart?

lord help it.

its been through the ringer and back.

buttttttt its still beating. and its still strong. it can still take everything i throw at it everyday.

I've only felt like my heart was going to break once in my life.

that pain is very surreal. and very easy to remember. 

it wasn't in the hospital when we decided we were going to turn off the machine keeping my world alive, it wasnt the moment i had my kid. it wasn't the moment i laid in bed with the dead body of the man i loved. wasn't when my first boyfriend broke up with me or when i didn't make the cheerleading squad in 8th grade. 

it was the first time i woke up without him. July 22nd. I did not sleep well that night at all, but i finally fell asleep for 20 minutes i think. the moment i woke up and grabbed my phone to call and check on him and i saw the text from my MIL saying "called the funeral home. meet here around noon and we will go down there together." my heart dropped to my stomach and felt broken for the very first time. the pain that day was immense. like, it took my breath away. like a knife in my throat cutting off the air. 

but i lived. my heart kept beating. i was unsure it would beat again after that moment. 

the moments, days, weeks, months following that have all been different. my heart hasn't felt the same since that day. its been heavy. and i mean that in a literal way. i have felt like my shoulders have been harder to pull up and its been harder to stand on my own. 

but for the first time in 8 months, i feel like i can breathe a little differently. 

the heaviness is not gone but its lifted a little.

its a nice feeling.

do i still miss joe? absolutely. do i still wish my outcome would have been different? every day. 

do i want to cry everyday and lay in bed? nope. can i smile and it be genuine? yes. can i answer "how are you" and say "I'm okay." and mean it now? yep. 

these are all positive steps. 

I'm moving in the right direction.

not moving on, moving forward. taking my story and my joe with me.

always & forever. 

xoxo.