happy birthday baby.

your birthday is in 1 short hour.

you should be 24.

but you will forever be 23. 

one day i will turn 24 and that will be the hardest age to turn.

last year on your birthday...

you worked. 

our princess was so little. 

so we had birthday cake

and stupid cards.

and then our sweet jack jack had a stroke

and he died.

and we were so sad.

but we still celebrated your birthday. 

and we were happy.

and it was a great great day.

i can picture it right now.

this year on your birthday...

i am going to go to the cemetery.

and sit by myself. 

and cry. and cry. and cry.

I'm going to try to be happy.

but I'm crying writing this thinking about it.

I'm going to eat the spongebob birthday cake i ordered for you.

is that cheating on my diet? yes. but are you worth it? 100%.

i cannot imagine celebrating your birthday without you.

but I'm going to.

and its going to be so hard.

you should be here for your birthday. its YOUR birthday.

its a day ALL ABOUT YOU.

if you were here we would be spending the day together. 

me you and baby girl.

we would go to dinner. 

we would have cake.

we would kiss and be cute. 

we would be in love.

we would be together.

if i could tell you how much i missed you it would fill all the pages i could write on here. 

not a single day goes by that i don't think about you or talk about you in my daily conversation. 

there are so many different things that remind me of you. music, your child, your cds, your favorite foods, your hoodies, your pictures, the things you bought me, and so much more. 

your everywhere i go and to me thats almost comforting. 

i am absolutely beside myself about the upcoming days.

your birthday. our anniversary. your one year marker of being gone. 

its going to be the hardest thing ill ever do.

but i know your standing right beside me holding me up the whole time.

so heres to embracing the tears, remembering the memories, wishing you were here, and eating lots of cake. 

you better help me work these pounds off after this! 

i love you so so much joe carter.

happy birthday angel. 

xoxox.