9 months.

9 months.

274 days.

6,576 hours.

394,560 mintues.

9 months ago at this moment I was sitting at your bedside.

crying like a 3 day old baby.

we had just made the decision that you were better off without the machines.

and in 20 sweet minutes you would be gone.

forever.

and it was the beginning of the journey i now call life.

that moment changed my life.

in that moment i lost everything i had ever known.

that moment made me a different woman. 

it made me a woman period.

at 20 years old 

i have loved another person with my whole being.

had a baby.

lived on my own.

almost graduated college.

lost everything i ever knew.

began to rebuild my life.

and 90% of that has happened in the last year.

and i survived it all.

so.

where has 9 months put me?

i look back at my posts from the days, weeks, months right after.

and i have come so far.

it doesn't seem like it on a daily basis, but i have. 

i am a new person.

i dont cry everyday.

he would hate that.

i dont hate the world.

i don't think I'm going to be alone forever.

i still don't understand why this happened.

but i don't scream at the universe everyday.

i am not mad at joe anymore.

i don't think he would hate me for moving forward anymore.

instead?

i have put on my big girl pants.

i smile again.

i go to the cemetery and am not leaving a sobby mess.

i can look at our pictures and LAUGH.

i can remember the memories.

but the details are fading which is so sad.

i have went on a date. 

i have opened my life up to new people.

i have cut my losses on the people who drag me down. 

now,

do i still have days that absolutely defeat me?

yes.

do i still cry occasionally?

of course.

do i miss him on a daily basis?

more than anything.

but am i making progress?

yes.

yes.

yes.

and i am proud of myself.

i do not care what others say or think.

i am pretty damn proud of myself.

i lost my whole world

and i am still standing.

i am still taking care of my child.

i am moving forward.

i can laugh 

i can remember.

i can function.

i will never be the same girl i was July 21st, 2011 before 10:30pm ever again.

when he died,

he took that girl with him.

so here i am 

at 9 months to the hour.

in the time it took me to write this blog

was the time it took for his precious heart to stop beating.

i know it was painless for him.

but it was the most painful thing i will ever endure.

and this moment exactly 9 months ago is a moment i will never ever ever forget.

its a moment i have nightmares about regularly.

the moment the sound my world revolved around stopped.

no matter how screwed up our relationship was,

he was my man.

and the sound of his heart was the soundtrack of my life.

and at this moment 9 months ago,

that sound stopped.

and i now function to a different soundtrack.

i can't believe its been 9 months.

274 days.

6,576 hours.

394,560 mintues.

i will always miss you. for as long as i live. i know you have helped me to get to where i am now, and you want me to be happy again. you want me to move forward and to embrace my new life. i know you don't want me to sit and cry. and i know your with me in every choice and place i go. you will always be my best friend. the one person who knows me when i don't know myself. we weren't perfect, you know that. there were days i wanted to kick your butt more than once. and there were days we fought so bad i packed my bags and left. but for some reason, we made it work. and we got through it. and in the end, we were together. not always happy, but together. and for that i will always love you. so know that no matter who the new man in my life is, i will always love you and appreciate everything you did for me. you shaped me into the woman i am today. you gave me my princess. you gave me my strength. and you continue to give me strength and encouragement everyday. never ever leave me. i need to feel your presence in my life. i love you baby boo. 

xoxox.