today marks 2 months that i have been without the person i love. without the person who made me function every day. without my other half. Its ONLY been 2 months, and it feels like its been 5 years. every day that ticks by goes on forever. i had a really rough morning. I've been up since about 330am. just laying there. crying. crying. crying. all i do is cry but this was like a heartbreaking cry. i got up, got alexis up, got dressed, went to work. on the way to work, its POURING down rain here today. maybe thats a sign. maybe my joe is sad he has been away from me for 2 months? idk. but the rain didn't help. i sobbed. and i yelled. i yelled at God. should i do that? no. but i just don't get it. how do you take someone away from someone like that?! how does that happen?! who does that?! so after i SCREAMED at God. DEMANDED that he give joe back, nothing happened. and that was a weird feeling. it was at that point i think i finally broke. There was a huge crack in my heart, but I think it finally broke this morning. and i felt it physically. I felt like my heart was breaking. and I realized just how broken and lonely i am. I am so alone. I miss joe. I miss my life with him. all of this i knew already, but today when i demanded him back, and nothing happened I think i realized fully that he is never coming back. I can't have him anymore. He is gone, and no one or anything can change that. I am just alone. Its just me in this world. No more Me & Joe, no more mom & dad for alexis, no more Future Mrs Carter, no more girlfriend and boyfriend. Its just Kayla. Just Mom. Just me. and thats a sad sad truth. i don't know how to accept that. I don't know how to accept that I'm broken. I don't know how to accept that never again will I be whole like I was on July 20th 2011, or even the morning of July 21st, 2011. As of July 21st, 2011 at 10:32 pm, I am this human. This human who is all alone. This human who shouldn't even be named Kayla Rose. because i am NO LONGER Kayla Rose. I am someone else. Someone completely different. I am lost. and i don't know if i have another word for it. Lost, Broken, and Alone.
today i have no song. there is no song for this day. I thought about making our song the song for today, but today there is just silence. my world is silent.
There are so many things I could say but I know that none of them would make you feel better. No one can make this better for you just like no one can make it better for me. So all I'm going to do is send you a ton of virtual hugs and say a special prayer for you. I hope this day passes quickly and that somehow some peace finds you for as long as possible. :(
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