day 22.

**warning this will be a long post, its that kinda day..**

today i can't stop looking at my ring from joe. i haven't taken it off. well, i take it off to shower, but i still wear it daily. is that wrong? idk. but i still wear it. and there is a reason i am looking at it today. here is the conversation between me and a coworker today..

coworker- "how are you today?"

me- " lonely. today i feel lonely."

coworker-" lonely? why is that?"

me-"uh?"

coworker-" then take that ring off your finger and do something about it."

really? who says that to someone? i know she meant well, but really?! she is the SWEETEST girl alive and i know she is just looking out for me. but do you really say that to someone?!?! noooo. not after 2 months. at least not in my book. 

so today, i am looking at my ring. and thinking of all the reasons i still wear it. i think of when and where i was when he gave it to me, i think about the fact that it came in the mail a week after he died, for a reason. he made sure it came that late to remind me i am still his and he still loves me even though he is not here. i think about the fact that i don't have to listen to a coworker and i can do what i want. but i still feel very defensive about my cute little diamond ring. hmm.

i am super over people dismissing my emotions and thinking i should be okay and ready to date by now. i do feel lonely. and i do feel like I'm seeking companionship but thats ALL i call it. i just want someone to talk to. i want that manly figure back in my life. but then i have guy friends and all i do is compare them to joe. and none of them compare. boooo. oh well. i will never replace my joe and i need to accept that and stop looking for someone to compare to him. 

i have discovered just how angry i am. i am SO angry and i don't want to be angry but i can't make it stop. i am mad. and i think i am starting to be mad at joe. i feel like he left me. i know he didn't do it on purpose but i just feel like he left me. he left me on my own. and i am DEF mad at God. He took my joe. He took my everything. He gives me this amazing man and amazing life. He gives me a newborn. He gives me a life and then he takes it away. Now I am alone. I am alone with a baby. awesome. And I blame God. I blame him for all this and I shouldn't . I should NOT but i can't make it STOP. ugh idk. 

anyway, this is the song thats playing on my iTunes right now and it reminds me of joe, since this IS my Joe playlist ;) 

RIZ- She's Like A Star

<333 

baby, wherever you are. i love you. & i miss you. & you better not have a new girlfriend. I am jealous just thinking about it. fakjfkl! why do i go there! blah. i miss you. come home to us. just make God give you back. your mine and I wasn't ready to give you up. so, yeah. REDO please. FOUL PLAY! i love you, to the moon and back my sweet prince. rest assured, you still have my heart. I'm sure your carrying it around everywhere you go. can you fix it though? like glue the pieces back together cause it hurts. a lot. i miss you boo.