day 29

today is 10 weeks. I cannot believe another month is almost over and i am still alive. I miss my man so so much. I miss all the things he gave to me. I read an interesting blog post from a fellow widow who I follow religiously and it really made me think. She made a list of all the things she lost when she lost her love, and it made me realize Joe was my everything and he is gone. my everything is gone. This morning was a beautiful morning, then tonight turned ugly. Just like this day 10 weeks ago. The day started out FABULOUS. Joe was doing WONDERFUL he was the most awake I've seen him and he was super responsive to us and the nurses. That was the day I said to myself " I can finally breathe relaxed, he is going to be okay. He is FINALLY going to pull through" then 2 hours later I got the phone call that changed my world, "Pops needs us at the hospital right away, something is wrong" Silence. Right then my world STOPPED spinning. I realized things are NOT going to be okay, something is wrong. and that night, my world as i knew it was over. the beautiful morning was over, and the sun would never shine the same way again. My world is cast with darkness. The Kayla i knew, left with the Joe I love. Now I am this girl. This girl deserves a different name because she is in no way the same as that girl I was at 12:20 on July 21st, 2011 when I was sitting in that hospital room with my happy, healing Joe. At 10:32 when the heart that kept my world spinning stopped, so did my heart, and it started again as a new person. Bleh.

see what goes on in my head? its a dark place.

Kesha- Want you bad

\

i want joe so bad. and again. he loved kesha. I remember he thought this song was so great. He played it over and over and over again in the car. haha. i can see him right now, dancing smiling singing kissing me loving me his hand on my leg while he was driving and the other hand dancing while his knee drives the car. ahh my reckless little lover. <3

i love you baby.